If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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