Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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