About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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