he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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