Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
