Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
