Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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