evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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