my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
