if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
