I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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