the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize