you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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