Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
