I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
