I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
