Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
