Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
