So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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