this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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