Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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