honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
