I am in a vortex of obligation.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
