Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
