woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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