I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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