you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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