remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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