Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
