last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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