I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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