no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
