I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
