my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
