Only a mothe r could love this liver
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
