Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
