Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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