fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
