508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
