I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize