I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
