If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize