my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
