shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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