What a fucking waste of an outfit
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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