R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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