dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
