I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
