i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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