thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
