Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
