Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize