My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
