I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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