Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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