Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
