the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
