you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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